Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
