Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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