oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
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