Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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