Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
