im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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