Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
