I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
