I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
