Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
