Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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