hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
