A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
