You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I came so hard my ears popped.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
