everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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