I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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