I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
