I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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