I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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