yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
