Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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