Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
