I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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