I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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