First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I touched a dick in church today
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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