Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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