Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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