She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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