Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
