I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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