this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
