i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm like, not good at living.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
