Me too!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
