I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
