Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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