Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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