mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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