I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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