woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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