it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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