I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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