I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
