did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
