Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
