Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
