i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
