this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
