Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
