I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
