tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
